It's not because it's hot in here. It's because my toddler-boy-thing is yelling from his timeout spot, "Mama, I don't want a time out" Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.
Oh, how about one more time? Sure.
Again? No problem!
I am the only person on earth convinced I've ruined my child? How did I manage this already??
Did I yell too much?
Do I love on him too much?
Does he get too many chances?
Did I buy him too many Matchbox cars?
Have I given him too many kisses?
Do we have too much fun together?
Can I tell you the truth? (Of course you can!)
Sometimes I get SO TIRED of the crying, the whining, the voice that says, "I don't like mama", the bad moods, the hitting (omg the hitting), the not listening, the tears over nothing, the sudden mood swings, the drama. SOMETIMES I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOTHER. One of those times is today. This week. Last week.
I feel like the nub of a pencil. Ground down. Broken. Incapable.
He will not listen to me. For just about anything. And consequences? He could care less about consequences. Time outs, taking away toys, using a firm voice, yelling, --they do nothing. It's like fighting against the cutest, tiniest human that you could ever love so incredibly much, except inside they are a bit like the pit of hell with a skin made of ....what's the hardest element on earth? Diamonds? Steel? A bitter heart? Whatever it is, that's the skin.
So, yeah. I sit here and I sweat. Because I am getting angry. Because I am taking deep breaths. Because I am giving myself that little mom pep-talk in my head. When I'd rather scream, run, cry, hide. Or maybe bypass 2 altogether? I know it's a precious time (I just threw up) but it only becomes that way when it's in your rearview mirror and you can look back and wave at it and maybe secretly give it the bird just because you can (not that I'd ever do something like actually flip off a figment of my imagination--just like I still don't pretend I'm dancing onstage at the Grammy's).
I'm against the ropes here. I'm in the trenches. Does this get better? Because now I'm hearing all about the threenager and how H O R R I B L E they are. Motherhood. A good idea? Or a mirage?
Apparently you don't hit rock bottom until you become a human jungle gym.